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你會贊揚(yáng)別人嗎
I'm a praise junkie. I really, really need those gold stars. I know I've got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is “Don't expect praise or appreciation.” I think about that resolution every day. But boy, it's hard to keep.
我這個人對表揚(yáng)上癮。我真地非常想得到那些金五星。我知道我得改掉這個“毛病”。我最重要的快樂決議之一就是“不要期待表揚(yáng)或欣賞”。我每天都想著這條決議。但是，這真難做到啊。
For example, we just went through a major household project – and I mean MAJOR – that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn’t muster it.
打個比方，我們剛剛通過一項(xiàng)重大的家庭決議——的確重大——它耗費(fèi)了我大量的時(shí)間和精力。我承認(rèn)我是極其沒有風(fēng)度地完成這決議的。我努力過，但是不論多么努力，我終究還是有失風(fēng)度。
As I've done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn't.
我曾經(jīng)這么干過，我祈求大男人用表揚(yáng)來利用我！我鼓勵他用贊揚(yáng)來忽悠我，讓我興致高昂地從事這項(xiàng)工作！但是他不肯這么做。
I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise, not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I've done a job well and not depend on someone else's opinion.
我知道快樂之道在于不要太渴求表揚(yáng)，不需要別人拍拍你的肩。我知道這點(diǎn)。我自己應(yīng)該成為自身滿足感、快樂感的源頭；我應(yīng)該明白自己已經(jīng)做得很好了，而不需依賴別人的看法。
I'm sure that one reason that I went to law school was because it was clear to me what I would need to do to win praise. I wrote my papers, I got my note published, I became editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. These were big gold stars, and they were precious to me.
我確信我去學(xué)法律的理由之一是我得為贏得表揚(yáng)做點(diǎn)什么，這一點(diǎn)對我來說再明確不過了。我寫論文，出版筆記，我成為《耶魯法律期刊》的首席編輯，我為奧康納法官辦事。這些都是大大的金色星星，它們對我來說很珍貴。
So I give myself an enormous gold star for putting those law-related gold stars aside to start over again as a writer. I love my work, and that's hugely satisfying. But I still crave praise – and because the closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won't give it to me，which he doesn't. Yes, I know that's not his job, and that I shouldn't depend on him for it. Like I said, I'm working on not needing it.
所以當(dāng)我將和法律有關(guān)的金色星星放在一旁，開始作家生涯時(shí)我給自己頒了一個巨大的金色星星。我熱愛自己的工作，它帶給我極大的滿足感。但我還是渴求得到表揚(yáng)——因?yàn)樽钣H密、最簡單的來源是大男人，所以他不夸獎我時(shí)我感到很沮喪。他的確沒有。是的，我知道這不是必須做的，也知道我不應(yīng)該依靠他來得到表揚(yáng)。正如我說過的，我正為此而努力。
Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn't feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships -- friendship, work, romance, family. It's nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise -- even people more mature than I.
最近，當(dāng)我對于大男人沒能滿足我“表揚(yáng)癮”怒氣沖沖之時(shí)，想出了下面的建議。它們適用于所有的關(guān)系——朋友、同事、戀人、家人。能恰當(dāng)?shù)刭澝绖e人是一件佳事；即便對于比我成熟的人來說，收到真誠的贊美也意義重大。
1. Be specific. 要具體。
You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it's specific than when it's general. “What a beautiful painting!” is less gratifying than “Look at all the colors you've used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You've really made your picture look like a spring garden!” This is true, for adults, too. “Great job,” is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.
在許多家長建議中都能讀到這一點(diǎn)：具體的表揚(yáng)比泛泛的贊美更好。說“多漂亮的一幅畫”遠(yuǎn)沒有“看，你用到的顏色！在手指畫中你用到了所有的手指。你這幅畫看上去就像一座春天的花園”這句話令人滿足。對于成年人來說也一樣�！案傻煤谩本捅攘信e出到底哪件事做得好效果差得多。
2. Acknowledge the actor. 表揚(yáng)時(shí)要特別答謝行動者。
The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he’s talking about. For example, with this household project, he looked around once and remarked, “This really turned out well.” As if some deus ex machina had wrought these changes overnight. Aaargh.
大男人有一個習(xí)慣：說一些贊美的話而不承認(rèn)這些和我有什么關(guān)系。比如這次家庭計(jì)劃，他有一次四周看了看，然后說：“這真算圓滿成功”。就好像某神靈下凡，一夜之間帶來了這些變化。唉。
能恰當(dāng)?shù)刭澝绖e人是一件佳事，可是該怎樣贊揚(yáng)別人可不是人人都會的。下面這些建議你可需要認(rèn)真考量哦！
3. The effusiveness and time spent in giving praise should be commensurate with the difficulty and time-intensiveness of the task. If a task was quick and easy, a hasty “Looks great!” will do; if a task was protracted and difficult, the praise should be more lengthy and descriptive. Also, you might bring up the praise more than once.
表揚(yáng)用的時(shí)間和言語應(yīng)該和該任務(wù)的困難程度和時(shí)間強(qiáng)度一致。 如果一項(xiàng)任務(wù)即快又容易，那么匆忙一聲“看起來不錯！”就行了；如果一項(xiàng)任務(wù)冗長而困難，那么表揚(yáng)的話應(yīng)該更長、更具體。同樣，你可能要多次表揚(yáng)。
4. Remember the negativity bias. The “negativity bias” is a well-recognized psychological phenomenon: people react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example, within marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act. So if you want to praise someone, remember that one critical comment will wipe out several positive comments, and will be far more memorable. To stay silent, and then remark something like, “It's too bad that that door couldn’t be fixed,” will be perceived as highly critical。
記住“消極偏見”�！跋麡O偏見”是一種為人熟知的心理現(xiàn)象：人們對壞話的反應(yīng)比對好話更強(qiáng)烈、更持久。例如在婚姻中，至少要五次善舉才能修復(fù)一次批評或破壞性的行為給人帶來的創(chuàng)傷。所以，如果你想表揚(yáng)某人，記著一句批評的話會抵消幾句肯定的評價(jià)，而且會更讓人記憶深刻。沉默許久然后說一句：“真糟糕，門修不好了”將是一句高度批評的話。
5. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it's easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well every day without any recognition? It never hurts to point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, “You know what? In three years, I don’t think you've ever been even an hour late with the weekly report.” After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.
表揚(yáng)特別的貢獻(xiàn)，也要褒獎點(diǎn)滴的善舉。當(dāng)別人做了某件不同尋常的事情，我們都記得去表揚(yáng)別人。但是對于那些人們每天都做得很好卻沒有獲得認(rèn)可的事情呢？去表達(dá)別人細(xì)心和不倦幫助的欣賞吧，再怎么多也不過分。比如：“你知道嗎？三年來，你的周報(bào)告從來不會哪怕晚交一小時(shí)”。畢竟，我們卻從不忘在別人出錯時(shí)批評上一句。
If anyone has any tips for how to free yourself from the craving for praise, send them my way! I really need them. The need for praise is such an ingrained part of my personality that I doubt I'd be able to change completely, but I can do better.
如果誰有任何能讓人擺脫渴求表揚(yáng)習(xí)慣的建議，請發(fā)給我！我很需要它們。對表揚(yáng)的需要是我個性中根深蒂固的一部分。我懷疑我能否徹底改掉這毛病，不過我想我能做得更好。
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