新概念英語笑話大全
死后重生
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生嗎?”老板問他的一個(gè)員工。 “我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。 “哦，那還好”。老板接著說。 “你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”
他什么都沒聽到
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在郵局上班，對于顧客們的各種情緒早已習(xí)以為常了。所以，有一天當(dāng)一個(gè)生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來到我的工作臺(tái)時(shí)，我還是非常平靜地問她，“有什么問題嗎?”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說，“我回到家的時(shí)候，我看到一個(gè)卡片，卡片說郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒人在家�？墒俏业恼煞蛘麄�(gè)早上都在家啊。他說他什么都沒聽到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形于色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了!”“是什么好東西?”我問。“我丈夫的新助聽器”。
有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
湯姆早上老起不來，所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣，警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。于是，湯姆去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給了他一顆藥丸并告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆藥。湯姆照醫(yī)生的話做了，睡得非常之好，事實(shí)上，他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來了。湯姆從容不迫地吃完早餐，然后興高采烈地開車上班去了。 “老板”，湯姆說，“那藥真管用，我的睡眠好極了!” “是夠管用的，”老板說，“問題是，昨天你人哪去了”?
兩個(gè)笨賊
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
兩個(gè)盜賊在一家旅館偷東西。第一個(gè)說：“我聽到警報(bào)響了，快跳吧!” 第二個(gè)說：“但是我們現(xiàn)在在第13層啊!” 第一個(gè)尖叫著回敬他：“都什么時(shí)候了，還這么迷信!”
結(jié)婚的花費(fèi)
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
小男孩問他的父親：“爸爸，結(jié)婚要花多少錢?”
His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now."
他的父親回答說：“兒子，我不知道，因?yàn)槲椰F(xiàn)在還在為它付賬呢。”
理發(fā)師
Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."
哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮臉。”
Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."
亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次臉。”
Harry: "Is he crazy?"
哈里：“他瘋了嗎?”
Henry: "No, he's a barber."
亨利：“沒有，他是一名理發(fā)師。”
年少無知
Jimmy is three years old.
吉米3歲了。
One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"
一天，他正在窗口觀望，夜幕降臨。他突然喊道：“媽媽，媽媽，快來關(guān)窗!”
"Why? It's not cold, sonny."
“為什么?天不冷呀，寶貝。”
"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."
“是的，媽媽，可黑夜會(huì)進(jìn)來。”
快速靠岸
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
在休倫湖釣完魚后，我的一個(gè)朋友開車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。 他沒帶手機(jī)，不過，他想，也許他可以通過海事無線廣播來請求公路援助。 于是，他爬到他的.船里面，啟動(dòng)了無線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護(hù)衛(wèi)隊(duì)警官作出了回應(yīng)，“報(bào)告你的位置”。“I-75號公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會(huì)之后，警官問我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時(shí)開得有多快?”
冰箱里的小兔子
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
一位女士打開冰箱門，發(fā)現(xiàn)一只兔子坐在其中的一層隔板上，就問它：“你在那里做什么?”
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
兔子回答：“這是Westinghouse對不對?”(Westinghouse，西屋電氣公司)
The lady confirmed, "Yes."
女士確認(rèn)道：“沒錯(cuò)。”
"Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing."
兔子說：“那就對了，我就是要往西邊去。”
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?
兔子：你確信這瓶特制胡蘿卜汁能治好我的病?
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
醫(yī)生：當(dāng)然咯，凡是喝過的兔子沒有一只來要第二瓶的。
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
兔寶寶：媽咪，我是從哪兒來的呢?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
兔媽媽：等你長大點(diǎn)再告訴你。
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
兔寶寶：噢媽咪，現(xiàn)在就告訴我吧，求您了。
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.
兔媽媽：如果你一定要知道，那我告訴你你是從魔術(shù)師的帽子里被拽出來的。
我們分享一切
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.
一對老夫婦在漢堡王餐廳吃飯，他們小心翼翼地將漢堡和薯?xiàng)l分成兩份。
A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
一個(gè)卡車司機(jī)非常同情他們，就提議想給老太太單獨(dú)點(diǎn)一份。
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
“沒關(guān)系的。”老先生說，“我們分享一切。”
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.
幾分鐘后，卡車司機(jī)注意到老太太還沒動(dòng)口吃一點(diǎn)東西。
"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
他再次對老先生說，“我真的不介意請您妻子吃一頓……”
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
“她會(huì)吃的，”老先生向他保證，“我們分享一切。”
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
司機(jī)不太相信，懇求老太太，“你為什么不吃一點(diǎn)?”
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”
I Am Going to Shop 我要去購物啦
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
我?guī)蛠碣徫锏呐堪脰|西后，問道：“是付現(xiàn)金、支票還是記賬呢?” 當(dāng)她找錢包的時(shí)候，我注意到她的包包里竟放著一個(gè)電視遙控器。
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
我問：“你一直都隨身帶電視遙控器的嗎?”
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
她回答說：“不是啦。但我老公不樂意跟我一起來購物，所以我決定拿走他的遙控器來懲罰他。”
At a Department Store 在百貨商店里
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
一個(gè)結(jié)巴壯漢走進(jìn)一家百貨公司問柜員：“男……男裝部在……在哪兒?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
柜臺(tái)后的柜員看著他不搭話。
The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
那男人又重復(fù)道：“男裝……裝部在……在哪兒?”柜員還是不理他。
The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
壯漢問了好幾遍柜員依舊如故。最后，壯漢氣沖沖地走了。
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?”
排在后面的顧客問那個(gè)柜員：“你怎么不答人家話呀?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
柜員說：“你……你覺著我……我想找打……打是吧!?”
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