雅思寫(xiě)作的完成，不是結(jié)尾段，而是檢查，是自我批改和找他人批改，唯此寫(xiě)作才可精進(jìn)。下面是小編為大家整理收集的關(guān)于雅思大作文批改實(shí)錄：太空旅游是否值得開(kāi)發(fā)的相關(guān)內(nèi)容，希望對(duì)大家有所幫助。
題目
Space travel has been possible for some time and some people think space tourism could be developed in the future. To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development?
學(xué)生習(xí)作
As we all know, people are always full of longing for space, and they are looking for a day to travel in space. Now，Inspired by space technology, some wealthy ambitious explorers have extended their sight beyond the earth. But there are still a lot of problems to be solved at the same time for space travel. So I'm holding development negative's view on the future of space travel.
In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment. But now, the universe is like new resources. Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe，that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them.
Space tourism has just started, the security risks of space flight still can not be ignored. This is ever more dangerous than other kinds of extreme sports. In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. At the current science and technology, it also can not guarantee the harmless to human body. All kinds of potential risk factors have a great challenge to human's life and health. Also the passengers are not as well trained as astronauts, with a good psychological quality and physical quality.
Because of so many uncertainties, I’m holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel.
評(píng)分：5.5
唐老雅評(píng)改
本題需要討論的核心問(wèn)題是：你贊同還是反對(duì)太空旅行(space travel)?這個(gè)問(wèn)題，當(dāng)然是人見(jiàn)人殊，沒(méi)有統(tǒng)一的意見(jiàn)。比如，有些人贊同太空旅行，因?yàn)樘章眯心軌蜃屛覀兛吹降厍蛉艘?jiàn)不到的東西，大大開(kāi)闊我們的視野，同時(shí)，太空旅行還有助于我們?nèi)グl(fā)現(xiàn)地球之外的適合居住的星球，這個(gè)實(shí)在太重要了，因?yàn)榈厍驓缡沁t早的事情。然而，也一定有人反對(duì)太空旅行，因?yàn)橐坏╅_(kāi)啟太空旅行，人類(lèi)即將破環(huán)宇宙，從而破壞地球;而且，現(xiàn)在的太空旅行技術(shù)還不過(guò)關(guān)，太空旅行過(guò)于危險(xiǎn)。當(dāng)然，就這個(gè)題目而言，考生完全可以做雙邊討論，即先討論太空旅行的好處(比如擴(kuò)大視野，發(fā)現(xiàn)地球之外的新大陸)，然后討論太空旅行潛在的危險(xiǎn)(比如太空污染，技術(shù)短板)，最后得出自己的結(jié)論(如太空旅行的確是有益處的，但我們一定要注意保護(hù)太空生態(tài)，同時(shí)提高技術(shù)，確保太空旅行的安全性)。
本篇學(xué)生習(xí)作基本按照題目要求完成了論證，作者具有表達(dá)思想的基本能力，但在詞匯使用和句型使用方面有不少失當(dāng)之處，有些地方表達(dá)令人費(fèi)解，因此，其得分被降至5分段。如果該學(xué)生稍微注意表達(dá)的清晰度和語(yǔ)法的正確性，完全可以達(dá)到6分甚至更高分?jǐn)?shù)。
第1段：As we all know, people are always full of longing for space, and they are looking for a day to travel in space. Now，Inspired by space technology, some wealthy ambitious explorers have extended their sight beyond the earth. But there are still a lot of problems to be solved at the same time for space travel. So I'm holding development negative's view on the future of space travel.
[修改] As we all know, people are always curious about space and expecting to travel in space. Now, inspired by space technology, some ambitious explorers have extended their eyes beyond the earth. But there are still a few key problems which may prevent space travel from becoming a reality. So I'm holding a negative view on the future of space travel.
[評(píng)析] 本段是開(kāi)頭段，從結(jié)構(gòu)上講沒(méi)有太大問(wèn)題。修改文僅做了局部調(diào)整，使行文更地道，邏輯更順暢。其中，I am holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel是一個(gè)莫名其妙的表達(dá)，是表達(dá)上的大錯(cuò)誤。
第2段：In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment. But now, the universe is like new resources. Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe，that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them.
[修改] In modern society, some businessmen have built numerous tourist sites for economic benefits, considering little of the ecological balance, so that a lot of damages have been done to the natural environment. Now, universe, a kind of new resource in some people’s eyes, has great potential benefits especially in terms of space tourism, which will certainly attract many profit-seeking businessmen. Yet if the space travel is developed on a large scale before we have gained a full understanding of the universe, the ecology of the universe will be seriously upset. Then what is at stake will not be one or two tourist sites, but the entire earth.
[評(píng)析] 本段談太空旅游可能造成的后果，作者先提出，地球上的旅游業(yè)給自然環(huán)境造成了傷害，然后認(rèn)為，如果開(kāi)發(fā)太空旅游(尤其是在對(duì)太空還不太十分了解的前提下)勢(shì)必破壞宇宙生態(tài)，然后禍及地球本身。本來(lái)是十分清楚的思維，但由于作者的表達(dá)能力有限，造成很多令人不解的錯(cuò)誤，從而極大地影響了行文的清晰性。比如這句：In modern society, some businessmen have to build tourist areas without considering the maintenance of ecological balance in order to obtain economic benefits, so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment.
老雅不禁要問(wèn)：為什么一些商人不得不(have to)造一些旅游地區(qū)呢?難道商人不搞旅游就賺不到錢(qián)，就得死啊?另外，“so that there are many cases of damage to the natural environment” 是何意?cases of damage 是“破壞的情況”嗎?為什么不直接說(shuō) “so that there are many damages to the natural environment” 呢?再如這句：Once it is a tourist area, there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism in the case of the universe is not fully understood. 作者是想說(shuō)“一旦它成為旅游區(qū)域，就會(huì)有很多商人在沒(méi)有完全了解宇宙的情況下盲目開(kāi)發(fā)宇宙和太空旅游項(xiàng)目”嗎?為什么不直接說(shuō) “…there will be a lot of businessmen blindly developing the universe and space tourism even when the universe is not fully understood (or… “before the universe is fully undersood”)? “in the case of” 后面跟一個(gè)句子(the universe is not full understood)，你確信語(yǔ)法正確嗎?再如，Once the frequency is too high, it will lead to serious damage to the environment of the universe，that is more than just a tourist area of destruction, the earth could not escape them.
在這句中，“the frequency is too high”是幾個(gè)意思?什么頻率?更嚴(yán)重的是，這句看似用英語(yǔ)寫(xiě)出，其實(shí)骨子里全部是漢語(yǔ)句法，一逗到底，不使用任何連接詞把兩個(gè)或更多的英語(yǔ)完整句用逗號(hào)連接在一起：一旦頻率過(guò)高，它就會(huì)給宇宙環(huán)境造成嚴(yán)重破壞，那破壞的就不僅僅是旅游區(qū)了，地球都無(wú)法避免。這就是典型的漢語(yǔ)“流水句”。大家知道，漢語(yǔ)是個(gè)非常靈活、不講語(yǔ)法規(guī)矩的語(yǔ)言(不知道國(guó)人靈活、不講規(guī)矩是不是使用這個(gè)語(yǔ)言所致?)，但此無(wú)論放在句子什么地方都不變形，句子有無(wú)主語(yǔ)無(wú)所謂，幾個(gè)句子放在一起沒(méi)有連接詞，大家猜猜也都能明白。
但英語(yǔ)就不行，一個(gè)句子完了，就必須用句號(hào)，你如果不想用句號(hào)，那么你就得用連接詞。如 I was born in a small town, in the town there was only one school, I studied in the school for six years. 這句看上去沒(méi)毛病，但那是我們中國(guó)人看沒(méi)毛病，外國(guó)人一看就有問(wèn)題。怎么改呢?很簡(jiǎn)單：I was born in a small town. In the town there was only one school. I studied in the school for six years. 或者：I was born in a small town, and in it there was only one school, and I studies there for six years. 當(dāng)然還有更多(或許更好)的修改方法，大家若沒(méi)事，可以自己去琢磨一下。順便說(shuō)一下，中國(guó)學(xué)生改正流水句很難啊!我曾經(jīng)在一次寫(xiě)作課的開(kāi)始就給學(xué)生講流水句，然后和學(xué)生打賭：到了課程結(jié)束時(shí)，我還能從你們的寫(xiě)作中找到流水句，如果我找到了，你們請(qǐng)我吃飯，如果我找不到，我就請(qǐng)大家吃飯!結(jié)果怎么樣?在學(xué)生最后一篇練習(xí)作文中，我愣是發(fā)現(xiàn)了流水句!
第3段：Space tourism has just started, the security risks of space flight still can not be ignored. This is ever more dangerous than other kinds of extreme sports. In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. At the current science and technology, it also can not guarantee the harmless to human body. All kinds of potential risk factors have a great challenge to human's life and health. Also the passengers are not as well trained as astronauts, with a good psychological quality and physical quality.
[修改] As space tourism has just started recently, the security issues of space flight should also be taken into consideration. In the space travel, the tourists must be able to withstand the unbearable loud noise, the overwhelming vibration, the strong radiation, the physiological effect of weightlessness, to mention just a few. However, the current science and technology cannot guarantee everything is riskless. Therefore, space tourism may pose great pressure on people’s health. Moreover, ordinary passengers are not possibly trained as astronauts, so psychologically and physiologically, they may be not be suitable to do space travelling.
[評(píng)析] 本段將太空旅行的另一個(gè)難點(diǎn)所在，即安全問(wèn)題和旅游者的生理和心理問(wèn)題。作者有足夠詞匯量，但問(wèn)題是作者的英語(yǔ)句子寫(xiě)作能力不強(qiáng)，這個(gè)珍珠般的詞匯不能很好地串成句子，因此白白浪費(fèi)了那些詞匯，很可惜。本段開(kāi)始就奉獻(xiàn)了一個(gè)流水句。大家好好比較一下修改文和原文，看修改文是如何避免流水句陷阱的。接下來(lái)兩句：In the process of space tourism, the body of tourists must be able to withstand rocket off the loud noise, vibration, and overload, etc. At the same time, also must to tolerance the strong radiation, long time weightlessness conditions. 老雅不解的是，為毛要把這些內(nèi)容分兩句寫(xiě)?難道這兩句不都是在講太空旅游者身體必須承受的種種壓力嗎?寫(xiě)作可以這樣任性的嗎?
第4段：Because of so many uncertainties, I’m holding development negative’s view on the future of space travel.
[修改]To sum up, space travel is detrimental to the universe environment and may have a lot of risks out of our control, so basically I hold a negative view on its future. I think space travel is possible only when we have a better understanding of the universe and meanwhile a strong technological support.
[評(píng)析] 本段為結(jié)論。原文的結(jié)論沒(méi)有總結(jié)前文內(nèi)容，更沒(méi)有對(duì)未來(lái)提出看法，因此是很失敗的。
修改后全文
As we all know, people are always curious about space and expecting to travel in space. Now, inspired by space technology, some ambitious explorers have extended their eyes beyond the earth. But there are still a few key problems which may prevent space travel from becoming a reality. So I'm holding a negative view on the future of space travel.
In modern society, some businessmen have built numerous tourist sites for economic benefits, considering little of the ecological balance, so that a lot of damages have been done to the natural environment. Now, universe, a kind of new resource in some people’s eyes, has great potential benefits especially in terms of space tourism, which will certainly attract many profit-seeking businessmen. Yet if the space travel is developed on a large scale before we have gained a full understanding of the universe, the ecology of the universe will be seriously upset. Then what is at stake will not be one or two tourist sites, but the entire earth.
As space tourism has just started recently, the security issues of space flight should also be taken into consideration. In the space travel, the tourists must be able to withstand the unbearable loud noise, the overwhelming vibration, the strong radiation, the physiological effect of weightlessness, to mention just a few. However, the current science and technology cannot guarantee everything is without risk. Therefore, space tourism may pose great pressure on people’s health. Moreover, ordinary passengers are not possibly trained as astronauts, so psychologically and physiologically, they may not be suitable to do space travelling.
To sum up, space travel is detrimental to the universe environment and may have a lot of risks out of our control, so basically I hold a negative view on its future. I think space travel is possible only when we have a better understanding of the universe and meanwhile a strong technological support.
評(píng)分：7